Well... Nothing goes right in my life right now ... again..

So I will just write about it, like I used to do .. Nothing new, feels like nothing can save me and I kind of laugh at myself trying to catch anything that has a hopeful nature ....................

So I have decided to make this blog my diary and also delete all the stupid pictures I put in it. It's a fucking depressing diary, nothing more.

It feels so old and so stupid to repeat all the sad ideas and thoughts that I feel now and that I re-feel every time I find myself confronting myself....

now I'm back to this old room, the same room where I had horrible thoughts, where I made horrible decisions ... now after all the " success " I thought I made, I'm back to this and there is nothing I can do.

If I go out, I know what kind of world I'm going out to, and it's not what I need, can't go out and just be by my self in this small town where I don't need to know anyone.

My fiancee is away. and I can't be with him because of this stupid world I live in. I have to wait for other people to make a decision about MY LIFE.

I'm ready to get mad at them. I'm so ready but in the same time I know that screaming at them won't be the solution it will make the situation worse.................................

really don't know what to do. tired of waiting, I have to do something......... I'm so mad.

An Inside from 10/04/2014

I find myself often imagining having an imaginary conversation with random people, like I am a successful singer or dancer or even a pron star... ! Just someone who has the audacity to show themselves in front of others and just don't care. I have convinced myself that only in my dreams, that's the only place where I could be confident, joyful and happy...That's why it's extremely difficult to imagine having a real life a normal one where I could BE with people and deal with them and maybe bring a new person to this life...It's too much, too good and too normal for a hopeless person like me. I know that I am lucky to have found this amazing perfect exciting man who did many good things to me and want to be with me to marry me and have a family together....;that's what I have been dreaming of my whole life, but it's just a dream, I don't see why someone like him would be in love with someone like me, I don't want him to marry me out of pity, I don't want to be a burden for him, instead I want to be full of energy and love life and laugh.. I can't laugh and he loves to laugh so much and I find myself faking, acting like I'm happy when deep inside I know I can't, I have been scared for life ...

NEEDY ...   (20/06/2010)

How much do I need you? I can't tell... Because I need you all the time, everywhere and in every mental or emotional state of my mind and heart...

I need you when I laugh, I need you when I cry and even when I am not happy or sad.. I just need you. I want to share every good an d horrible thing with you. I want you to hug me, just hug me and talk. Tell me everything, anything, or don't say nothing at all. Just BE there, with me.

I smile or/and cry every time you cross my mind, Oh! My tired, hollow, horny mind of mine...

You hunted my hopes and dreams even when you went away, even when you were with other people... I kept hoping, crying and freaking out. I missed you so bad, I didn't exist for a while. I just missed you, every second and every breath was another hope for my sweet suffering to keep going on in it's wishful thinking... 

Something from TODAY ...

I have just talked to my boyfriend... Not good news....

I just want to show him that I can change, and it hurts everytime I see him hurt because of the fact that I can't change....

But wait... I do some things differently now, I speak differently, I think differently even my walk has changed; but he says it's not enough I should do more and more and more.... 

I do want to do things really want to!

So for the very fucking 1 000 000 time I'm gonna forget that I was one day depressed, that I had all these fucked up experiences AND move forward , SAY YES TO LIFE!!!

Somewhere in the present...

Now I feel a lot different, I'm calmer and I think a lot clearer ... All the little things of destiny and "why me??" are gone now ... well, I hope.

It's a different struggle now, a new one that involves surviving and exposing my self.

How well can I make all the scars of the past disappear and not leave a single trace for them to see...

I have to be better, there is no choice but being a better version of Me and keep making it better... I know for some people it seems like they were born with this ability, they even find it enjoyable ... But I am one of the other category of people, I find it challenging, I guess it's because for the past years I was in a long process of figuring out who I am and what I want to do ... It seems so stupid when I say it like that.. so so stupid. 

So... I am still mad at me... shocking ... well not really, I have been used to it in some way....