NEEDY ...   (20/06/2010)

How much do I need you? I can't tell... Because I need you all the time, everywhere and in every mental or emotional state of my mind and heart...

I need you when I laugh, I need you when I cry and even when I am not happy or sad.. I just need you. I want to share every good an d horrible thing with you. I want you to hug me, just hug me and talk. Tell me everything, anything, or don't say nothing at all. Just BE there, with me.

I smile or/and cry every time you cross my mind, Oh! My tired, hollow, horny mind of mine...

You hunted my hopes and dreams even when you went away, even when you were with other people... I kept hoping, crying and freaking out. I missed you so bad, I didn't exist for a while. I just missed you, every second and every breath was another hope for my sweet suffering to keep going on in it's wishful thinking... 

Something from TODAY ...

I have just talked to my boyfriend... Not good news....

I just want to show him that I can change, and it hurts everytime I see him hurt because of the fact that I can't change....

But wait... I do some things differently now, I speak differently, I think differently even my walk has changed; but he says it's not enough I should do more and more and more.... 

I do want to do things really want to!

So for the very fucking 1 000 000 time I'm gonna forget that I was one day depressed, that I had all these fucked up experiences AND move forward , SAY YES TO LIFE!!!

Somewhere in the present...

Now I feel a lot different, I'm calmer and I think a lot clearer ... All the little things of destiny and "why me??" are gone now ... well, I hope.

It's a different struggle now, a new one that involves surviving and exposing my self.

How well can I make all the scars of the past disappear and not leave a single trace for them to see...

I have to be better, there is no choice but being a better version of Me and keep making it better... I know for some people it seems like they were born with this ability, they even find it enjoyable ... But I am one of the other category of people, I find it challenging, I guess it's because for the past years I was in a long process of figuring out who I am and what I want to do ... It seems so stupid when I say it like that.. so so stupid. 

So... I am still mad at me... shocking ... well not really, I have been used to it in some way....